LOVE NOTES

Fininte Number of Words

2009-11-20T13:08:11Z

More of a public service announcement. Although I feel the need to entertain you with all that "JUST WRONG" I am chained to my computer for other un-fun reasons. Because of this I have discovered that I have a finite number of words I can put together in semi-coherent sentences in one day.

My number: 500

By December 20 I will either be condemned to live out my days without the possibility of moving up in the dog eat dog world or work -- forever wearing milk bone underwear. OR, I will at least have the possibility of moving up the tree.

Only 1800 words a week stand in my way....

Don't expect too much new material until 20 December -- after that we have a lot catching up to do.

I have now expended 134 words ...

The Festival of Meat

2009-11-03T21:20:48Z

It starts with the coals and keep adding coalsand keeping it hot all night

PATAGONIA

10-01 6th Ave. 342-3830 / 283-1578 Photos of El Ché, tango singer Carlos Gardel, boxing champions and tango music all put you in Argentina. The Confederate flag hanging in the corner doesn’t contribute to the atmosphere, but Argentina is in the south, after all.

There are no fake Gaucho's running around feeding you chicken livers on a stick. You only get what you ordered the way you ordered: provided you know the Spanish word for medium or well -- otherwise you will get your meat the way God intended it to be -- Very red and dripping with blood.

Rumor has it that the chef is rude, however that didn't seem to be the case the evening we ate there. I could see where having to shovel hot coals all night might make you unhappy, but on this evening the entire staff seemed happy enough with the gringos butchering the spanish and taking more photos then necessary. Be prepared to use all your words of Spanish - you will find no English spoken at this eatry but the risk is well worth it.

Bottomline: when in Bogota run, don't walk to PATAGONIA. Bring a dictionary and become fluent with a bottle of the house red.

To Match or Not to Match

2009-10-23T13:34:39Z

The first in the online dating series

As a social experiment and at the encouragement of the “imperfect man” (yea—Jake, the root of all questionable advice – more on that later) I opened a MATCH.COM account. Something I was adamant about never ever EVER doing.

So there I was. Complete with lame profile. In 10 minutes (it may have been less) I’m getting email after email. In the first 24 hours no less then 87 men, ranging in age from 24 to 60 had contacted me. (for the record ... if your at either end of the bell curve you are on auto delete).

What does contact mean in the world of MATCH.COM – since they give you this nifty stats counter it’s easy to see what kind of guys are virtually eyeing you up:

VOYEURS: The ones that just look at your profile or press the “I’m Interested button”.

STALKERS: The one that look at your profile several times a day and never contact you in any form.

TESTER: There is this wink feature for guys that are afraid of flat out rejection - precursor to the coward.

COWARDS: These dudes just keep winking – sort of like a game of online epilepsy

FISHERMEN: These dudes at least send email but it’s the same as getting a form letter from a mortgage company (see reprint below):

“I read your profile and you seem really interesting. I think we have a lot in common and might be a good match. Lets get together to have coffee.”

ANGRY MAN: They email you but in the email they talk about how stuck-up (or bitchy) all the girls on-line seem (or their ex-girlfriend, or ex-wife). Sometimes you get the feeling that it’s the combo Angry Man / Net Caster. Avoid this guy at all cost.

CLOSER: The email that insists on a date and time to see you. Some of these you get the feeling that they are treating you like an item on Ebay. Beware of these clowns as well.

Next time … advice to men that treat match like it’s the virtual meat market it is.

So Much Potential

2009-09-11T15:48:18Z

It's another boss story that has to be told.

After travelling transcontinental then getting up at 3:30 in the morning to board more plans from third world airlines, then getting in a FIAT and driving for two hours we arrived in BFE Croatia.

BFE Croatia isn't like BFE North Dakota. BFE Croatia is like an undiscovered (inexpensive) Almafi Coast -- it's just that it's small and the Julie McCoy of this operation did not do the one thing I asked her to do.

Make a hotel reservation.

They offer the boss a dorm room at the prison we are surveying. It was presented as: No sheets, no pillows, no towels, a porta potty, and a shower across the way. I heard this and sent the boss on his way to tour the facilities and ran (full sprint) to the Fiat and drove (like a bat out of hell) to the harbor where I saw a seriously nice 4 star hotel.

I secured two rooms ... with breakfast.

CLICK HERE TO SEE PARADISE

I returned to prison.

To find that they fixed him up in a dorm room with a shower, toliet, towels, sheets, pillows, blankets, and even a couple of Ritter Sport bite sized chocolates on his pillow.

What did I get: I was offered the previous room under discussion -- with a few additions: 3 girls, one of which sounds like she is dying of bubonic plague.

I had to go cancel (was told to go cancel) said reservation at hotel with bathroom, pillows, blankets, a restaurant with market umbrellas and a view of the Adriatic.

Indecently: I packed no pillow, blanket, sheets, shower shoes, or crap like that. It was suppose to be a hotel trip.

Finally: I froze my ass off last night and ... knowing what was going to happen... Simon (travel bear extraordinary) jumped ship at the hotel in Germany. So, to add insult to freezing unbathed ass injury, I no longer have my bear (with no sand in its ass).

One more night in Croatian Prison.

Cut Backs Kid

2009-09-08T17:07:54Z

so just shut up already.

LOCATION: Delta Crown Room Tampa

WHO: Rolly poly kid with glasses that looks like he probably openly ate paste as a 6 year old but now that he's 10 he has taken his habit into the closet. GRANTED: He'll probably grow up to be Brad Pitt hot but if I was his parents (at this moment in time) I might be a little concerned about his future social acceptability.

WHAT: Hot bartender who was probably the Jr. High Bully and dated the homecoming queen. However, (more then likely) he partied too much at FSU and his grade point dropped below .9 so now he bartends at the Crown Room.

INCIDENT: It's as old as the beginning of time -- Older bully (in this case much older and probably out of practice) against the kid with the spare tire.

So the kid happens to be kind of a jerk. What do you expect when your parents are rich and uninterested in raising you ... Bartender recognizes this -- and he's probably seen it a million times.

Kid asks for a coke. Bartender says "your parents will have to come up here and order that -- I can't serve children". Then the kid starts in (full-on bitching and moaning) on "how com you only have trail mix and pretzels -- where are the cookies, cheese, and muffins -- how come you don't have any food."

Bartender replied: "what do you call pretzels ... there's plenty of food there."

Kid starts having a temper tantrum (like this will help his cause) and he poses the question to the bartender again (like the answer will change).

Bartender replies: Cut Backs Kid so you may as well shut up about it.

Then the kid ran to complain to his parents about the rude "waiter".

Parents in-turn ignored the kid.

I wonder what kind of adult he'll end up being.

but what does it REALLY mean....

2009-09-02T01:56:11Z

When your very hot - ok let's be honest... he's beyond hot - massage guy (who wears very cute shoes -- which is all you can see when your face down on the bed with the face toilet seat) says:

"you have nice eyes"

I'm confused because he has not seen my eyes at all. In fact, he's pretty much seen all of me EXCEPT my eyes since I keep them closed (tight / no peeking ... ok ... maybe once) so I don't see all of his "hot-ness" while he's pulling on my toes!

I'm sure it probably means he's surprised at the freak-a-zoid eyelashes. What he doesn't know is that I have MD LASHFACTOR to thank for my Tammy Faye Baker effect.

Unpurchasable Entertainment

2009-08-30T22:26:36Z

The Result of Craigslist

The guy across the courtyard likes to play WII in his underwear.

The man that lives in the penthouse has 3 college aged girls living with him.

The woman who lives below the half naked WII player eats 7 times a day and watches American Idol.

The people on the third floor have no furniture and they let their child play basketball in the living room.

And... sadly ... my neighbors have an uncle that recently killed someone in a drunk driving accident.

I'm thinking of taking up naked yoga.

I almost feel like its my duty to add to the Euro like closeness and contribute to the show. Granted, the neighbors I had in Germany could always be counted on for genuine entertainment ... not just tantalizing tidbits (like the man in the penthouse with the harem).

When ever there was a girls night you could count on the Serbian God to be changing lightbulbs or painting with his shirt off -- exposing his perfect, dark skinned Eastern European 6 pack. Or the German couple in the townhouse behind me to be partaking in a little kitchen table lovin'.

But alas, this is America. A country founded upon puritanism. For most Americans the idea of nudity is the space between the shower and the towel.

I think the WII guy holds promise -- after all, he's already half naked and he plays with a fair amount of passion and enthusiasm. By the way ... he wears boxer briefs.

The Truely Tasteless

2009-07-29T03:15:09Z

The worst week yet -- convienced there is no such thing as Karma. I even gave the lady at the post office a coupon for a free Big Mac -- just a random postal worker. So as the weeks just seem to be getting worse the least expected thing happened.

Funsucker calls up at 11:00pm wanting to tell me a joke:

QUESTION: What are Farrah Fawcett and Micheal Jackson getting for Christmas?

ANSWER: Patrick Swayze

Sadly ... my Karma will never change since I kind of had a giggle.

Craigslist and the Modern Condition

2009-07-19T13:21:13Z

In the spirit of full disclosure (the good / the bad / and the ugly) I got some news on Friday that would fit in the ugly category. It completely took me off guard, which lately is hard to do since I've had to have my guard on full Deflector Shield. I was so taken by surprise that I almost hypervenilated and passed out. I didn't pass out, but I had to full-on stop everything I was doing because the world started to look like the rabbit hole in Alice and Wonderland.

First: My biggest phobia (is completely irrational) is becoming homeless. I always look at the little homeless village I pass every night on the way home from work and I'm convienced there is less then 10 steps from where I sit to where they sit. Wierd, I know, but it could happen.

I have to move.

I won't get into details but I'm not taking any kind of financial loss or anything like that ... so really it's no big deal, except for the fact I have to move. And I'm single and own a mini cooper.

Solution: Sell life on Craigslist. Start over (again).

Barnes and Nobel Guy

2009-07-17T00:02:09Z

I had to go and buy a couple books for my class today and I ended up with a few additional items:

-- Bush's War (a summary of what Bush was thinking)

-- It's You Not Me (a compilation of short stories written by women scorned)

-- A birthday card with all the recently dead presidents on the front

I get to the check out and the clerk has is head down and is intently practicing writing Hanja (not paying attention). So I say "Oh is that Hanji" just to notify him that I've been standing right in front of him for 10 seconds. I know that doesn't seem like a long time but I wanted to get home at some point in time.

He says "no, it's Korean".

I let it go (Hanja is the written Korean Language) - again, for the want to eventually arrive at home.

Then he picks up the first book and holds it up next to his head and makes the goofy George Bush face, and proceeds to tell me why he thought he was a bad president. This lasted for another 10 very long seconds -- until he picked up the Birthday card.

He gives me the disertation about the birthday card. At this point I'm just waiting for him to give me the commentary about the woman scorned book and I'm thanking God I wasn't picking up a book on sexual disfuntion.

He deducted, from my purchases I was a man hating conservative fuck. Even at Barnes and Noble I get abused.

And since when was being conservative an insult. Hmmm... I only see the jobless rate increasing under the free wheeling spending plan of "THE OTHERS".